Feeling that we are loved is the very beginning of becoming who we are truly capable of being.
- Bridgett Miller

Many believe that parenting is about controlling children’s behavior and training them to act like adults. I believe that parenting is about controlling my own behavior and acting like an adult, myself. Children learn what they live.
– L R Knost

baby transport

Up until now, I haven't used a pram (or in UK terms - pushchair). In fact I don't even own one. I'm so grateful to my friend's wife for introducing me to the world of baby slings (also known as babywearing, but for some reason I don't really like using that term) as slings have allowed me to remain pram free for so long, and slings are still keeping my dream to never own a pram alive. As Baby gets older, larger, heavier, I'm fairly certain the judgemental comments will outnumber the 'awww isn't that sweet' comments (particularly thinking of you - checkout ladies in Tesco). So if any of those judgemental comments gets me down in the not too distant future, remember these...

I haven't gone for a run or been to the gym for months (this is a big thing for me), yet I still feel fairly fit - this I think must be from carrying a 10kg+ person around pretty much every day.

Would I have noticed the huge smile on Baby's face when he sees the tube approaching, if I didn't have his face so close to mine?

Would I have discovered how fun grocery shopping with Baby can be when I'm carrying him? He's recently started helping me push the trolley around and he insists on holding onto each item I pick and then dropping it into the trolley.

Would I be able to give Baby hugs and kisses while we're out and about if he was in a pram? Especially on the way home from nursery, which is when he desperately needs them.

cosleeping

We started out not cosleeping at all - Baby was generally sleeping through most of the night, and when he did wake up I would stand by his cot until he fell asleep again. I guess in those early months I was determined to make sure Baby had 'good' sleeping habits, and was able to sleep on his own without any assistance from anyone. Then somewhere along the way, Baby got severely ill, and when he woke in the middle of the night my instincts kicked in and I decided I wanted him close so I comforted him then put him in my bed to sleep. We did go back to him sleeping on his own again once he was well, but then he got ill again, and we had a few more cosleeping nights, then once he recovered from that it was the middle of winter and that seemed like the right time for him to to jump onto a rolling cold cycle, so the line between whether he was well or sick became rather blurred. I also noticed how easy it was for us to both get more sleep when I put him in my bed - I didn't have to stand by his cot (as he wouldn't let me sit down...!) for up to an hour waiting for him to fall asleep, and he seemed to find it easier to fall asleep again in my bed.

So these days when it is Baby's bed time, I put him to sleep in his cot (I was firm about that - one night he attempted to get me to allow him to go to sleep straight away in my bed, but I shot that idea down - sorry Baby) then when he wakes again and I'm in bed (or supposed to be in bed) I just carry him over to my bed and we go back to sleep. Since then I also discovered that Baby sleeps in (note: definition of sleep in for a parent - waking up any time after 6:30am) when he's in my bed. Before we coslept he would rarely sleep past 6am.

Before Baby I didn't really have any opinions on cosleeping, and now? I'm just doing what I feel is best for us. I used to worry (only a little bit) about how to end the cosleeping arrangement we currently have, but I don't anymore. I really doubt I'll have a 10 year old still wanting to sleep with me. I know that when he is ready, he will want to spend the night in his own bed. Until then I'll treasure those little feet massaging my entire body as he attempts to fall asleep, and waking up every morning to his beautiful face, sometimes sleeping, sometimes wide awake.

You have no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You. Nothing seemed right. What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the ocean. Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient. It's no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these. So I've brought you a mirror. Look at yourself and remember me.
- Rumi

lullabies

Pretty soon after Baby was born I made a habit of singing a song for him before going to sleep for the night. At first it was definitely more for me rather than him - I think he probably would have been perfectly happy to go to sleep without a song, but I get the feeling now it's as much for him as it is for me. Nearly every night is the same - I tell Baby it's nearly time for bed and he frantically runs around coming up with more stalling tactics to extract more playing time out of me. Then when it's time I pick him up and he cries and fights in protest, but as I hold him and sing to him, I feel his body give in and melt into mine, his head and eyes heavy with sleepiness. I suspect 'somewhere over the rainbow' is his favourite. I always ask him what I should sing, and I wish I knew which song he wants to hear... One day he will be able to tell me.

risky play

I like what this article says about why risky play is necessary for children. It brought back memories of me playing out the back where the clothes lines are, on the railings, nearly falling off on more than one occasion; walking along the narrow high wall just next to the railings until the plants got in the way, which actually meant I didn't get very far along the wall, but I remember that to me it was an achievement to make it to the branches and cobwebs. I don't think my childhood was filled with many risky play opportunities, but this article reminded me that I did actually have some.

owning your emotions

I love what this says about what you need to do about your emotions, such as anger and frustration, which I experience daily. Baby may be the cutest most adorable person in the world but that doesn't mean it's a breeze being happy and patient with him all the time. I have a very quick temper, and to say I am one of the least patient people in the world is being generous. However Baby makes me want to be a better mum, which will hopefully translate into a better person overall. I've realised I have been able to tell Baby when I'm feeling unhappy, or angry (note I never say you made me unhappy/angry), and just giving voice to my emotions gives me a moment to help me act less irrationally in response to those emotions (such as yelling at Baby, or using excessive force :-( ). This is the space that this article (and others I've read) talks about, between action and reaction. I've learned to recognise when the anger starts to bubble up inside me, but I still need to find a way to expand the space between action and reaction. I'll let you know once I've found the switch for that lightbulb.

When you do realise what triggers these emotions too, it's such a relief, because then you realise how unnecessary the anger and frustration was. A few weeks ago I was putting Baby down for his morning nap but he just refused to sleep and for some reason I felt myself get overly frustrated with him for no reason at all. When I thought about why I was feeling so grumpy I realised it was because I wanted him to nap so I could make myself a coffee and just enjoy a few moments of quiet time to myself. It was a particularly late morning nap that day so my usual morning coffee looked to be thrown out the window with his refusal to go to sleep. At that moment I realised I just have to make my coffee every morning at the same time, regardless of whether Baby has gone down for his nap or not. And since I started doing that, I have never felt frustrated when he decides he doesn't need his morning nap. This may make me appear to be a coffee addict, but I assure you it's more about having some sort of morning treat for me, rather than needing the caffeine, really...

It's articles like these that make you realise parenting is just one long journey of learning, one journey that I am so thankful to be able to have.

developing worries

Around about the second month I started to worry about how I could create the optimal environment to ensure I was providing enough stimulation for Baby so he could develop all the bits in his brain that he needed to develop at this very very early age. I was reading books about games you can play with your 0-6 month old baby (one called 'clever baby', no less) and I spent most of his waking moments trying to go through all the games, shaking a rattle at him, showing him various objects, reading him baby books, in the hope that he would absorb something useful out of the myriad of things I was throwing at him. But something about my approach didn't seem quite right to me, so I read more about how to spend time with a 0-6 month old baby. And that's how I learnt about self-directed play.

A baby really doesn't need any fancy toys or props to develop - everything a baby needs to learn about themselves and the world around them is already available in their surroundings. The world may seem dull and boring to us as adults, but to babies every minute detail is new and captivating. I've often caught Baby staring out the window watching the leaves on the trees outside, mesmerised by the movement. I've also seen him stare many times at a blank white wall and wondered what has captured his attention.

I wrote the above post back in around August, and I never got around to publishing it. But it is still true now, at nearly 11 months. I no longer spend my time worrying about how to stimulate him as much as possible and I am more relaxed about Baby and his development. I don't spend my time wondering if I'm doing enough, because I know that Baby is enough and my presence is enough for him.

judgement

Before Baby came into my life, I was that person who silently judged other mums.

When I have a baby he won't be screaming like that in public.
When I have a baby he will be so much better behaved.
When I have a baby he will not meltdown and have tantrums.

Ah, how little I knew then. I know now we're all the same, we're all mums doing our best to raise these little people who are so dependent on us. I know I have a strong and wilful baby on my hands who is on the cusp of becoming an even stronger and more wilful toddler. I know he is intensely spirited and all that is inside him is bursting to be let out. I don't know what the coming years hold, but I do know that judgement has no place in my life.


On an ultra tangential side note, I just read that saying 'do your best' creates anxiety in kids as it is not specific enough.... really???

beautiful beethoven

I initially started this blog so I could capture the wonderful experience of living in London and travelling around Europe. Obviously that didn't happen. But one of the many reasons I love living in London is that there is so much going on all the time, all over the place - you just have to keep your eyes open. Yesterday afternoon Baby and I were treated to a free concert at the small church just down the road. I always walk past this church and one day I noticed they were hosting a performance of Beethoven's violin concerto in D major the coming Friday. Thankfully, everything was running smoothly for Baby and me that morning so after lunch I packed him up and walked down hoping they would let us in. They did, and we were treated to some truly beautiful music that afternoon. I would have been happy with an amateur performance, but it was actually a chance for the violinist (Sebastian Mueller) to run through the concerto before performing it with an orchestra in Europe somewhere (I forget where...) later this year. It was just a piano (rather roughly) taking the place of the orchestra on Friday, but being able to sit and listen to Beethoven's violin concerto played so beautifully on a Friday afternoon with my baby boy, is something that is quite unique to living in London I think.

consent

Finally, a post that is not a quote! I want to remember this article as these are the types of things and concepts that I'm only vaguely aware of, if at all, and I need something concrete to work from for when baby gets older. Growing up we never had any conversations like these, so I can't draw from any personal experience. I just have to learn as I go and hope that my best is enough, as is the case with pretty much everything. It's only since becoming a mum that I've realised how painfully deficient my upbringing was.

More excuses

I know it seems like I'm just collecting quotes now, but I do have hopes of one day (soon!) writing something myself, rather than reprinting other people's words. Although this does seem like a good place to collect all these wonderful quotes, these quotes that make my heart swell with their eloquence and poignancy.

I love my friends neither with heart nor with mind
Perchance ... Heart stops ... Mind forgets ...
I love my friends with my soul.
It never stops, nor forgets ...
- Rumi

"We all need that person, someone who sees our light. The one who reflects our light back at us so we can see it too."
- Janet Lansbury via positive-parents.org

So beautifully written. So very true. But is it restricted to the role of parent? I also think of you when I read this. And I hope and strive to be that person for my baby.

the gate of the year

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year: “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied: “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”

laziness returns, yet again

I've been lazy with the (baby) blogging recently - the perpetual story of my life. Hopefully I'll return to it. But in the meantime, I wanted to remember this article. It is so beautiful, a beautiful reminder.

living for now

My favourite part of the day is in the morning, when Baby has woken up and is making noises in his cot and I'm just waking up and getting ready to get out of bed to begin the day. I'm not sure what he's thinking or what he's up to, but the moment I peer into his cot he stops his fussing and looks up at me and smiles his gorgeous smile - that moment is pure joy for me. Of course he actually smiles at any one of us who looks into his cot - he's just happy to see a familiar face after so many hours on his own. But nevertheless, even though that smile isn't reserved just for me, I can't imagine a more beautiful way to start my day. I don't know how long it will last, but I treasure every morning that I wake up to his beautiful smile.

In the core of my Heart my love for you knows no limits.

~ Rumi

"you can do it"

I say this all the time at the moment to Baby, but I've just read that this can potentially set Baby up to believe that he will disappoint me by saying this, and on reflection I can see how this is true. One more phrase for me to catch and rephrase before it leaves my lips.

I've read articles in the past, and still am reading them, about things you should and shouldn't say to your child. It's easy to stay away from being negative, the hard part is knowing how to say positive things the 'right' way. There are so many things that I say naturally with the intention of trying to be positive and encouraging, but I know a lot of them do more harm than good. I guess I hope that by noting them down as I find them, I'll be more mindful of them and more careful about the words I use to support and encourage Baby.