guilt

I still read articles about breastfeeding. I guess this means I haven't fully let go. I even briefly looked at relactation articles today. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, to be able to nurture and nourish my baby, something only mothers can provide. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how incredibly difficult it is. I still wonder if I'd read up more about it would I have approached my own problems differently and hence succeeded instead of failed? Because I do feel that I failed, as I sit here recovering from an operation I had a couple of weeks ago to remove an abscess in my right breast. There are many mothers out there who have battled through problems far more serious than mine, and managed to succeed with breastfeeding. But I only have to think about how traumatised my baby was the last time we tried breastfeeding to know that I cannot try again. I can't put him through that again. Breastfeeding should be comforting for Baby, not frustrating. The internet has so many articles about breastfeeding in public, but I have feelings of guilt and disappointment when I think about how I will need to feed my baby with a bottle when in public, when I think about sitting with fellow mothers who are all breastfeeding while I will be the only one bottle feeding. But you won't find articles about this on the internet. These are my own demons, and I know I will conquer them, but for now they haunt me.