not sleep deprived yet

Thankfully I haven't been that sleep deprived, yet... but I found this a very nice reassuring article to read, having grizzled slightly at things that have been said in the past few weeks. And knowing that Baby has difficulties sleeping at the moment, given his reflux and reflex 'gifts from nature' the possibility of becoming sleep deprived at some point is rather high.

10 things not to say to sleep deprived parents

guilt

I still read articles about breastfeeding. I guess this means I haven't fully let go. I even briefly looked at relactation articles today. I desperately wanted to breastfeed, to be able to nurture and nourish my baby, something only mothers can provide. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how incredibly difficult it is. I still wonder if I'd read up more about it would I have approached my own problems differently and hence succeeded instead of failed? Because I do feel that I failed, as I sit here recovering from an operation I had a couple of weeks ago to remove an abscess in my right breast. There are many mothers out there who have battled through problems far more serious than mine, and managed to succeed with breastfeeding. But I only have to think about how traumatised my baby was the last time we tried breastfeeding to know that I cannot try again. I can't put him through that again. Breastfeeding should be comforting for Baby, not frustrating. The internet has so many articles about breastfeeding in public, but I have feelings of guilt and disappointment when I think about how I will need to feed my baby with a bottle when in public, when I think about sitting with fellow mothers who are all breastfeeding while I will be the only one bottle feeding. But you won't find articles about this on the internet. These are my own demons, and I know I will conquer them, but for now they haunt me.

life

It was a few weeks ago, I looked down at Baby and marvelled at his perfection - his two ears, his tiny little hands and feet, his body, his consciousness. I was holding a tiny human that I had made. And then I realised how incredible that is, and for me that confirmed His existence. Things like this don't happen by chance, they aren't an accident.

11 weeks today

I still remember that moment in the first week holding Baby and looking down in amazement and wonderment at this tiny human, that face and those eyes as he looked up at me... it's a moment I will always remember. He is only 11 weeks today but already I miss how small he was.

heart

You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.
- Oscar Wilde

Oh how that touched my heart today.

I saw it in the most unexpected place - it was written on one of those whiteboards normally used for indicating delays or some such information, coming out of Earl's Court tube station.

mind

The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind.
- David Orr

Contrary to what you may think, the one that resonated most was storyteller, not lover. There is a story that needs to be told, and you will tell it one day.

"Flaws"


When all of your flaws and all of my flaws,
are laid out one by one,
A wonderful part of the mess that we made,
We pick ourselves undone,


All of your flaws and all of my flaws,
They lie there hand in hand,
Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned,
They pass from man to man,


There's a hole in my soul,
I can't fill it, I can't fill it,
There's a hole in my soul,
Can you fill it? Can you fill it?


You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground,
Dig them up, let's finish what we've started,
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned,


All of your flaws and all of my flaws,
When they have been exhumed,
We'll see that we need them to be who we are,
Without them we'd be doomed,


There's a hole in my soul,
I can't fill it, I can't fill it,
There's a hole in my soul,
Can you fill it? Can you fill it?


You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground,
Dig them up, let's finish what we've started,
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned,

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are counted,
When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are counted,


You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve,
And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground,
Dig them up, let's finish what we've started,
Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned


All of your flaws and all of my flaws,
are laid out one by one,
Look at the wonderful mess that we made,
We pick ourselves undone.
Dan Smith